i cant believe you're gone. after years of struggling and holding on.. and i never really got the chance to visit you or say goodbye. i'm so sorry. i just.. cant believe you're gone. somehow.. in my mind, i've just.. been.. having faith. i've.. always known you'd make it out alive somehow. and no, i've never been.. that nice.. that hardworking.. and i've never really made an effort to come and visit you. and all these years, i've been supporting you silently, i hope you know that. and i'm just.. so sorry i've never even bothered to just.. go and see you. i've always wanted to.. but something held me back. i'm so sorry. and .. all those chances i've wasted.. all those times i could've gone to see you. i'm regretting it now, i've never been a nice student, never been a nice girl. always wanted to write to you but never did mail any of them. and i am just.. so sorry.
and i admire you. SO much. thank you SO MUCH for everything you've given us.. all that love, care, support.. and all the dedication you put into teaching. thank you for always being there.. for never giving up on us. i know.. you knew you had cancer. but you didnt wanna go. why? for us? you know you shouldn't have. we didnt deserve it, ms tan. we didn't. and i'm sorry.. this is how we reply your kindness, your love. with no letter, no visit, no nothing.. no goodbye. or at least that's how I reply you. and i'm sorry. all that time you knew you had cancer but didnt wanna leave because you wanted to teach us.. because you wanted us to have a teacher.. ms tan.. i really dont know what to say. we're thankful.. of.. the love you've given us and to teaching.. the one SO strong that you couldnt just leave your job like that even when your life was at stake. but.. you really shouldnt have. because losing you is.. far more painful than, i'm sure, having a different teacher (even though that was painful too). i'm sorry, we all are. we've never really been that nice to you in class.. and we're sorry. we love you ms tan.. i know.. we do. we just didnt show it. all that.. slacking.. all that bad attitude.. all the mean things we did. we're sorry. we're sorry we made you cry. SO MUCH. it's hurting us now more than ever. it's this.. lasting pain that will stay.. and i know we can never ever ever forgive ourselves for hurting you so much. and for all that.. i dont know, i can just.. never be able to forgive myself.. for all the things i did.. for everything. i'm so sorry. and leaving without a goodbye..
thank you, ms tan. for everything. thank you for holding on. you're a brave woman.. and.. we all love you. you have to know that.. we do. we never meant the things we did.. and we adore you. so much.
and i defy you stars. for taking away her life.. which is .. very much loved by everyone. that if this be fate.. then i defy you. but if it were for the best.. and end to her suffering.. then.. i'll just wish you all the best, ms tan.
you're an inspiration to all of us. and i know you'll remain in our hearts forever. farewell.
and below, i've attached a letter i've written to you that i didnt post.. i just want you to read it if you havent already from heaven.
Jan 05
Dearest Ms Tan,
how are you? we've missed you so much! i hope you're doing well!
i know it's my first time writing to you.. and i'm really sorry. i guess it's just really hard to put everything in words.. all those things i've wanted to say to you, all the stories i've been dying to tell.. it's just that i feel like it's never good enough and it's never going to be, when i feel so much more i wanted to express. i'm sorry, it's hard to put it in words and I hope you get what i said. and.. i know ended up writing none.. i'm terribly sorry.
i know it's a bit late to be saying this now, but i want to say goodbye. i've moved to melbourne, australia on 21 January 05, a couple of days ago. I wanted to pay you a visit and give you one big hug, but I'm really sorry my days were all packed with all the packing and cleaning. And when it's not, i'd be busy sleeping and recharging my "battery". That was the 2nd week after I reached singapore on 2 January 05. I was sick the whole week before that so I knew I couldnt possibly pay you a visit. I'm really really sorry. Well, anyway, i just want to say thank you.. for everything. I hope you'd forgive me for leaving without saying a proper goodbye, I know i never will forgive myself. thank you for giving me all the love, care and support.. for being my inspiration. i may not enjoy maths as i used to, and i'm probably beginning to hate it now, but everytime i wanted to laze around more over studying and practising maths, i'd think of you and know you'd want me to study hard, and i'd try my best. i cant say i improved.. but i know i did better than i would if i lazed around. i remember that time i gave you the NUS high form and asked you to fill it in. i know i wasnt that good in maths and science, but i felt a support that's so strong, from you. that i was full of determination and convinced myself that i'd push myself all the way to be good enough, and that i could be good enough. to tell you the truth, i was really bummed out when you couldnt return me the form and Mr Lee KT lost his. I refused to give myself a second chance to enter the school and to reprint the forms. till the end of last year, i'd been dreaming of going to that school and wishing i really were going there. the pride, the fun, everything. but now, i can never be happier and more thankful that i'm not in that school and everything that stopped me from being in it.. because i feel that i know now that it's not what i want in life. my friend is in nush high, feeling very stressed and pressurized, and i have totally seen her books and homework, stuff that i'd never be able to imagine myself doing. i've been accepted in Korowa Anglican Girls SChool, a small, cosy school in melbourne. havent gone to the school yet, but i'm totally convinced that i'd love it there. i'm planning to take arts and music in my exams, and take it to much greater heights.. whatever i do, you are and would forever be my inspiration.. and with what i'd push hard to excell in, i'd forever wish i'd be able to inspire others too, the way you inspired me. I hope to see you soon.. take care.
lots of love,
dwitya otto
.. and ms tan, i want you to know that.. i didnt take music. i gave up on music.. but i didnt give up on art.. and i certainly didnt give up on maths. i failed almost every single maths test.. but.. i refused to give. i didnt know why. and now.. i've passed my maths exam really well. i hope you're proud of me.
